"HARNESS" column for Beefyboyz.com - July 2004

What kind of SM scene do you want?

"You've mentioned in several columns that SM bottoms need to be aware of the kind of sex they want and negotiate that with the Top before a scene begins. But I don't think an SM bottom should control the scene. Isn't the best SM when the bottom surrenders to the Top and the Top decides what takes place?"

I agree with you that it's an amazing experience when you find an SM Top that you trust and who has the skills to take you to new places. It's also very tedious to play with an SM bottom who won't give up control and tries to dictate the scene. However, being aware of the kind of scene you want is important so that you can find an SM partner whose idea of a good time is the same as yours.

Here are some factors to consider that can lead to very different SM scenes. There are no right or wrong answers and you are allowed to answer "both" or "neither":

Ultimately, no matter how much you discuss things beforehand, the bottom is always in control. If the bottom says "enough" you can only attempt to talk them through any issue that may come up. If you cannot resolve the issue, limit or fear then the scene is over.

Have fun, and look after yourselves and the people you play with.

John Pendal
International Mr Leather 2003

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