"HARNESS" column - September 2005

Emotional Pitfalls in SM

SM play doesn't just come with physical risks, there are some emotional pitfalls to watch out for as well. Here are just three to be aware of:

• Entering into a SM relationship that then becomes "vanilla"
  It's quite common for the intensity of SM play to lessen between two players when they become partners in a relationship. There are several reasons for this. One reason is that long-term relationships are often about mutual support, affection, romance and protecting your partner. Many people find it difficult to be rough with someone or humiliate them in the bedroom while those other feelings are in your head.

  Another reason is that it's hard to switch off from daily life and enjoy an SM scene when the person you are playing with is intimately part of your life. The hassles of a relationship (e.g. bills that need to be paid) or the small irritations of living together (whose turn it is to clean the bath) can creep in and kill the moment. It's very difficult to find a time when the chores you need to do together are all done and you can play together without distractions.

  There are different solutions for each couple. People in a monogamous relationship might set aside time to spice up their sex lives, for example taking a weekend break to a kink-friendly guesthouse. Those in open relationships might decide to involve other people in their SM scenes (either together or apart). If you're currently having great SM play with a regular partner it's worth discussing these things before you enter into a more intimate relationship.

  
  

• The submissive falling in love with the SM Top
  Of course it's possible for anyone to fall in love with anyone else during the course of normal life, and if that love isn't returned it can be very upsetting. However, there's a particular problem for SM bottoms in that they can make themselves so open to the Top that they become emotionally vulnerable (this can also apply to clients seeking professional therapy). This can start during the negotiation phase of the scene, where the bottom may disclose intimate medical/ personal history to the Top, and then increase during the scene itself where intense bonds of trust are forged and the bottom may find themselves surrendering to the Top's will. This can be compounded afterwards with a huge endorphin rush from a physical scene, and/ or deep feelings of gratitude if the Top has helped the bottom overcome a fear or enjoy a new activity.

  If the Top and bottom are playing exclusively with each other then these feelings may not cause any difficulties. However, due to the ratio of more bottoms than Tops in the SM community it's far more likely that the Top will be playing with several people at different times - and be unable or unwilling to return affection at the level the submissive desires.

  If you think this is happening to you it's best to talk about it with each other openly and honestly, so that you can decide together which direction the relationship is going.

  
  

• The Top entering into the role of sadist too completely
  It is possible for people who consider themselves to be normal and well-balanced to get caught up in the moment and stop considering the welfare of the submissive(s). In 1971 a study into the psychology of imprisonment was undertaken at Stanford University. 24 volunteers were randomly divided into guards and prisoners and then asked to act out prison life for two weeks, under the watchful eye of researchers. The experiment was halted after 6 days when it became apparent that everyone had fallen into his role too convincingly. Volunteer prisoners were becoming withdrawn and behaving in pathological ways, and some volunteer guards were behaving sadistically. Even the "good" guards felt helpless to intervene.

  The researchers even learned through videotapes that some guards were escalating their abuse of prisoners in the middle of the night when they thought no one was watching and the experiment was "off". (For more information on the Stanford Prison Experiment go to www.prisonexp.org)

  If you're doing a long-term SM scene, (how long will depend on the individual players), it's worth considering involving another Top so that you can alternate and take regular breaks from the role of "sadist", or have the other person act as an observer and stop the scene if they feel it's gone too far.

As consensual players we need to look out for one another. SM play can dredge up deep feelings or long-forgotten memories. Make sure that you don't do SM play while you are angry, jealous or hold negative feelings towards the other people in the scene. It's always worth checking in with each other a few days after playing. Someone may well leave with a smile on their face at the time, but then have other feelings or things they need to discuss at a later date.

Have fun, look after yourselves and the people you play with.

John Pendal
International Mr Leather 2003